Philip Chieng By the time I was at the threshold of adulthood and had graduated as a civil engineer, I experienced a turnaround in my spiritual life.

I had become irregular in attending Sunday church service and I hardly read the Bible. I felt that God and the church were not that really important anymore. I did not think about pleasing God or gaining His favour. Instead I had the idea that if I worked hard, I would gain respect from people and I would find favour in the eyes of man. I had strayed away from God and my eyes were on the world. It was more important now to please man than to please God. I believed that, by doing so, I would gain promotion, have a good income and a good life. That was all that mattered and I set my mind to pursue them.

I was then a regional engineer in charge of many engineering contracts in a quasi-government body. I worked very hard, sometimes even till midnight. I went to the site in the morning and would leave only at night to check into a nearby hotel. Then I would leave early in the morning and resumed my work. I kept this cycle going, all the time believing that this was the way to satisfaction and fulfilment in life. I thought hard work and determined effort would secure happiness for me.

About a year later, I was shocked to find that all my supervision books and records were missing from my room. Later I learnt that the internal audit team had taken all these for investigation. The officers were also at the site to check on my engineering work. They could not believe that I had work so hard without any "greasing of the palms" by the contractors I was dealing with. I was devastated. All my ideals of what made up a good and meaningful life came tumbling down.

The long hours of work, the worldly ideals, the suspicions and subsequent investigations, and a spiritually dry life all combined to make me feel that life was not worth living anymore. I wanted to end it all. I tried to buy a large quantity of sleeping pills from the medical shops but was unsuccessful. I then tried to hang myself from the beam in the room I was renting. I tied a towel around my neck and stood on a chair. I tried to kick the chair away from under my feet but by the grace of God, the chair did not move. After a few attempts I gave up. Then I broke down and cried in my room. Later, my brother-in-law came and took me to his home to recuperate.

Back at the office the audit team did not find anything incriminating and my engineering boss, who knew my conduct well, persuaded me not to resign. I stayed on for another three years before I applied to join a public company. But I had not learnt my lesson and still thought that the only way to achieve happiness, satisfaction and a good life was through my own efforts and hard work.

I put my heart and soul into my work and was rapidly promoted from a Production Engineer to a Factory Manager and then to a Works Manager. My spiritual senses were so dulled I could not see that I had a deep vacuum within me that could only be filled by God. I kept trying to fill it with the works of my hand and the approval of man but the hunger just got bigger.

Soon I went into a state of depression. I could not work and my mind was so confused. Why was my life still so miserable when I had worked and was working so hard? Where was the satisfaction that I longed for? These were questions without answers. I then tendered my resignation but my superiors refused to accept it. Subsequently I was transferred back to the company's headquarter in Kuala Lumpur. However the move brought me no peace at all. This time I did not attempt suicide since I was already married with children.

Each night, sleep eluded me and my self-confidence reached its lowest ebb. In desperation I took concentrated sleeping pills but they had no effect on me. I still suffered from insomnia. Going after happiness and satisfaction my way had landed me with nothing but broken pieces in my life.

I started to attend church service and soon every Sunday, for many weeks, whenever there was an altar call for anyone who needed prayers, I would be the first one to go forward. Very often, I was the only one. I cried in the presence of the Lord, oblivious to those around me. God was at work in my heart and I surrendered myself completely to Him. I began to repent of my sins of self-righteousness and my wanting to do it 'my way'. As the days passed, I began to feel the presence of the Lord very close to me. In retrospect, I now realise that God is near to those who are broken and of a contrite heart (Psalm 51:17; 34:18).

My heart began to hunger after God's Word, the Bible. Life had become more purposeful and meaningful. In the past, I had tried so hard to get the happiness and satisfaction I longed for but the efforts of my hands had let me down miserably. As I drew near to God, God drew nearer to me. I began to taste the joy and peace that had eluded me for so long and I realised that joy, peace and satisfaction are not to be found in the things we own nor in the work we do but in Jesus Christ alone who loves us and died for our sins.

Praise His glorious Name, Amen!